Hernia prevention apparatus :-(
The end of chemo is nigh which I have mixed emotions about. It's been a bit of a journey since October/November last year, not a pleasant or easy journey and definitely character building. The last few weeks have been tough both physically and mentally, there have been a few low points. I'm getting new side effects from the drugs and the ones I've had from the beginning are more pronounced. I felt like I was doing so well coping with the chemo, the situation and gaining strength week by week but I've had a bit of a set back. I've managed to tear some stomach muscles where the incision from the operation is, apparently it's a common occurrence but needs more surgery to fix.
As it's the last cycle I need to have a CT Scan to check if there are any cancerous growths to be found. With my focus being on completing chemo to schedule I've not thought much about the scan and what it could find. Throughout all of my treatment I've remained positive and can only see a successful outcome but this does scare me somewhat. I've been told that if secondary cancer is found on my liver or lungs typically the treatment will be palliative, that means no cure but just managing the situation with more chemo. A sobering thought and one that has had an affect on my mood over the last few days together with the other stuff.
I'm definitely not my upbeat self at the moment and am trying desperately to snap out of this malaise. As well as my concerns and injury I think my level of toxicity from the chemo drugs is having an affect on my mood and general cognitive functions. The 'chemo brain' has most certainly kicked in. A quick internet search on mood changes associated with chemotherapy throws up articles stating:
"Research has shown that inflammatory cytokines [chemical messengers released from the immune system] can enter the brain and affect many of the brain circuits and chemicals that are involved in depression, anxiety, fatigue, and impairment in memory and concentration,"
When you're dealing with the most difficult situation in your life the drugs and cancer can screw up your brain function and ability to cope with it...awesome! Its a good job I've had so much support from Sarah, the girls, family, friends, long time friends I haven't seen for years, and work. Jeff, Mark and everyone at Microsoft have been so supportive, it really has taken a burden off my shoulders, no pressure from work at all, I'm hugely grateful for the support.
The way I'm feeling is strange, my mood and thought processes definitely affected by the chemotherapy. Putting the injury to my abs to one side I thought I'd be cruising to the end of chemo be really positive and upbeat and ready to celebrate the end of treatment but that's not how I feel right now. I'm annoyed at myself for injuring my abs, the drugs are getting the better of me and I'm not upbeat. However, the drugs are coming to an end, this mental state will pass, I will have an 'all clear' from my CT scan, I'll get back to work, I'll have to manage with broken abs for the time being (windsurfing/sailing and other outdoor sports will have to wait) and look forward to the fix in December, life will be sweet again.
Sorry its not my normal cheery blog update but this is how I'm feeling right now. I'm sure the next blog will be upbeat and easier to read.
Grumpy Chris
